Yes I am and NO you cannot Watch!

I am what my community calls a femme. As a femme, It’s always been a shock and hard for people to bridge the gap between my physical femininity and the actuality of my lesbian lifestyle and identity. They are always shocked and/or confused to hear that I am gay and not some sexually confused youth or “Has-bian” Lol A lot of times after the “You ARE!?” question comes the inappropriate inquiries, advances and statements. A lot of young or immature men think a feminine lesbian is a woman interested and open to making their little lesbian themed fantasies come true. It’s gross and at my young age, already redundant and annoying. It still shocks me how forward and offensive people can be. I’ve gotten, “Oh your gay, I’ll take you and your girlfriend!” or “Wow! Can I come too?” or “Can I watch!?” Seriously!?!? Where in my explanation of me not being interested because I’m gay, did you hear “… but… YOU can join!?” It gives me an ill and angry physical jolt every time. This is the crap us women are subjected to. 

I get that there’s a common curiosity over lesbian relationships and intimacy. Everyone always asks if the sex is like in the porn’s or what they imagine… and the answer is no, it’s not. Porn is basic, boring, and for show and the close-minded definitely cannot fathom the reality of what happens between the sheets and entangled bodies of two women. Honestly, I can’t say I don’t understand society’s or men’s interest in lesbians. One woman is beautiful but two together is almost too much to handle. I understand they want to know what the hell it is that we are doing to one another that well, honestly they can’t. Many straight people don’t get how two women can experience true passion and pleasure without a man or penis involved. Not only is it possible it’s amazing and sacred when between two devoted, committed and loving individuals. So please stop asking the lesbians and bisexual women you encounter about our sex lives and recreating them for you. Guys think it’s a funny or a challenge but it’s just awkward, shrewd and shows how immature of a man the creep is. Now to clarify, I’m far from a man hating lesbian I just don’t want them in my bed! So in conclusion and for the millionth time! When you ask.... Yes I am, & NO you cannot watch!

Coming Out (to yourself first) is Hard to do.

             One morning, when I was a sophomore in high school, a friend and I got dropped off late to school by her mom. When we stepped out of the car I was overwhelmed to see my entire high school rattling the front gates of the parking lot. They were screaming and yelling across the street. When I whipped my head around to see what was causing the mass hysteria, I saw twenty men, women, and children picketing in front of my high school. They’d come down from Kansas somewhere to protest against the gay population in my school and my school boards tolerance and education program. Since we were the most highly populated high school in Florida at the time, they targeted our school for press, but that’s irrelevant.

            They were screaming and yelling with signs saying “Mathew Sheppard in HELL for 3 years,” “9/11 FAGS FAULT,” “AIDS is GODS cure for the FAGS,” “GODHATESFAGS.com.” Without thinking I ran across the street to the nearby cop and asked him what was going on. How could they be allowed to spew this garbage and hate at minors!? He told me it was a peaceful protest and I cursed him out asking him to take another look at what they were doing to my high school. Peaceful!? I’ll never forget that. As I went off on him and the protesters he threatened to arrest me for cursing at him and “causing a scene.” I could barely stomach the irony. After I ran back to the school, the campus was in shock. The kids who were “out” were scared and in tears. Everyone was talking, debating. It felt like a movie as I watched helplessly at the aftermath. I felt as if everything was moving in slow motion around me and I was numb because at that point, I'd just gotten into my first relationship and I’d not come out to anyone. I was the only one who knew so needless to say, I felt scared and alone. 

            As a child I had little crushes on boys and girls because I think we all look the same at that young age with our soft features and voices. As I grew, I had homosexual thoughts and tendencies though I did not recognize or understand them at that young age. I remember playing Barbies when I was a kid. I had a Ken doll but when Ken went off to work, Barbie’s friend would… come over LOL I can still remember making my Barbie’s kiss and play naked. When I was in daycare, I had a friend I always tried to be alone with because I liked her and in fifth grade, I began to ponder the facts and wonders of sex. Once, while I waited with some friends for school to start, they got to talking about two girls being together. Everyone was saying how gross that would be, but I stood there silent and anxious. The thought more than intrigued me and I hoped no one could notice. Like the time I tentatively watched a classmate get up from my lunch table and walk away. I caught myself starring and immediately put my head down praying no one had noticed me watching at her. Even though I was too young to understand what those feelings meant, I remember thinking “Oh my God, I pray no one thinks I’m a lesbian. I hope no one noticed.”

            In high school, the issue was front and center as I'd met someone who stirred up the emotional and sexual side of me for the first time. I knew that is was not a phase and I had to face my homosexual feelings and lifestyle by telling my friends and family. I waited for months before I said anything to anyone and it took me half a year to tell my mother,a fact that initially broke her heart. At 15/16 years of age though, it was difficult for me to tell her something I was afraid would change how she looked at me. There were countless nights I cried and begged and prayed to God to help me understand why I felt the way I did and if it was wrong to make it go away. Most gay people can relate to those moments. It's a little after the light bulb goes off as you realize, alone to yourself... & out loud, "OMG, I'm GAY!" It's a bitter-sweet moment since you feel like a weights been lifted off your shoulders, all is clear, the damn has broken and you're free!! On the other hand, you know the things you're up against, the hate, the discrimination, the fight for rights you suddenly join because now you don't get the privilege of having them.  

            I cannot explain to you how passionate I am about this topic. I was caught in a battle as a young girl over my blossoming sexuality. I’d grown up in the same society as you, and I knew being gay wasn’t the easiest thing to be in America. Between my faith, social and family pressures I felt I had nowhere to grow up, nowhere to feel freely at peace with myself. What’s worse is at a certain point I felt the need to choose between the life I had and the young woman inside me I was just starting to understand. Keep in mind I came out at 15/16yrs of age, an already difficult time for any young adult. It shouldn’t be like this, this extra pressure of conformity and social judgement is killing the youth in our youth. Young children and adults should feel free to be who they are in and outside their homes. No one should feel the need to repress any part of who and how God bore them to be. No one should feel scared or frightened to discover who they are and rejoice in the complexities that create their character. 

Article on Westboro Protest: http://articles.sun-sentinel.com/2002-03-23/news/0203230254_1_matthew-shepard-wyoming-college-student-westboro-baptist-church

A Lonely Road *OpenMic Piece*

It’s stirrings… feelings and immediately you know

That something makes you different, and you pray it can’t show

& Being different means you have something to hide

Hence the beginning a life of lies.

Maybe you could sense it
For us it was the same, the day we stepped back

& realized just how we were different that day

Truthfully, I can tell you there is no lonelier time

Than when you realize you may be out-casted and crucified in this life

Punished and Questioned by the ones you love and adore

Minimized to a sinner, or a dyke, or a whore

& This is the road we get to look forward to!

These are the things young gay teens fear

Being labeled & categorized as a fag, alternative... queer.

So, some of us shy away, shamed by family & friends

Some of us die on the inside & just wish it all would end

So, who's gonna protect these young innocent souls?

Who will be brave enough to step up and take that role?

Who’s gonna say to us, “You don’t have to be afraid.”

Who’s gonna hold us in our youth & wipe our tears away?

When I was young, I felt alone and of course misunderstood
The only thing I had was faith & I could not find You

I cried alone, yet God was there and I felt His truth
So will you now turn your back on the next generation too?

Are you willing to look them in the eyes today 

Tell them to just… pray the gay away

Leave them lost and alone, broken, in an empty room

Drowning in tears cause well, they don’t understand it too!

Or tell them they are beautifully complex
& no different from You!

It's time to open your heart and mind

To the differences in others we can't explain

So we can protect all of our youth

& give young gay kids a safe place

So, will you listen to my story, because I am living proof?

This is a fight for human rights & you should be angry too!

Cause I’m not sure if you heard about it or if you even knew

The foundation of our country says

We are all are born equal
Life, love and happiness are for us ALL to pursue*

July 4, 1776 - The Declaration of Independence

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just Powers from the consent of the governed.."

Come as You are.

            I find it ludicrous that many individuals think gay people are against good morals and family values. It’s painful for me to have to testify that a large amount of the misunderstandings, misconceptions, and socially accepted intolerance affecting my community streams from many religious communities. I, myself, was raised in a Christian family with Christian values and strong faith. My Mother was careful to instill integrity, honesty, and a clear concept of right and wrong in her children. I learned about love, family, and sacrifice from my Mother and thanks to her and my amazing family, I can testify to my ever-present faith and relationship with our Heavenly Father. No one’s feelings about my lifestyle can or would ever change that.                 

          
            When I was coming out, many people told me I would lose my relationship with God because I was going against Him by "choosing" to live a gay lifestyle. Yet, I KNEW the God who brought me into this world was the same one nurturing my tears when I cried myself to sleep each night. God was my refuge and shelter those terrible nights I felt alone and afraid. If it wasn't for my faith, I may have ended up killing myself like many other confused and scared LGBT youths. I felt scared and badgered by my feeling and thoughts before I even realized and understood what they were. Once I knew I had to face myself and my sexuality, the first step was attempting to bridge the gap between my faith and my sexuality. In this day and age, it’s been a steady grown and learning process. All the while, I know I have not lost my place in Heaven. I am still blessed and loved regardless of what some uneducated or uncultured individuals may say. My soul’s home is Heaven. 

           Like straight people gay individuals, who are Believers, long for strong spiritual and passionate relationships. We too, seek His guidance and grace through prayer and worship. I always believed and knew that God does not care to judge me over my physical attractions. I believe God cares more about the actions we take towards ourselves and others in this life. I believe He watches, with a careful eye. Especially those moments when we are alone and our values and integrity are tested. I believe His request and demand is that we seek Him and His guidance through this life. Have we made him proud with our contributions and time on Earth or did we use our time to demean and devalue his other children? At a young age I saw and understood that there was so much ignorance, hypocrisy, and cruelty in this world. I saw people using God as a weapon and excuse to disrespect and attack others. I swore to always learn about and be kind to others, regardless of our differences. 

            We were all born onto this planet innocent and uneducated. No one asked to be sent here, to struggle through a human life only to find peace and purpose at the end of it! So stop stigmatizing and labeling people & open your hearts. Don’t be shocked and stare when you see the lesbian parents and their kids bow their heads in prayer at your local eatery, or when we pray besides you in church, or if you see us wanting to be a part of the beauty that is fellowship. Gods love is for all, AGAPE!?! Faith is not an exclusive club; Heteros Only!! Whoever so calls upon the Lord, shall have his mercy, grace, and everlasting love. 

"Who's the Guy and Who's the Girl!??"

          So, here we are on our quest to educate the misguided and ill-informed people of today’s modern society. It’s time to pull the covers back, metaphorically speaking, on the not so inconceivable truth of what it is to be and grow up a gay American in a seemingly straight society. May I start by respectfully saying, these words and thoughts are purely mine and of my experiences with the society and people that have affected my life along the way. I have encountered some of the craziest, most challenging, situations and statements imaginable in my 26 years of living and 10+ years of coming and being out of the closet. Many people don’t understand what it is to walk around and be stared at as if you’re a strange animal from another land or questioned and harassed by the stranger you just walked passed. Like many other openly gay individuals, these are scenarios I know all too well, some painful and damaging others comical and ironic. Like when “the funny guy” at a party corners the unsuspecting lesbian couple and sarcastically asks, “So, who’s the guy and who’s the girl?”

          Most lesbians will laugh when you ask this question, keep in mind I said most, and PLEASE don’t confuse that chuckle with our enabling your lack of common sense... or decency. It’s actually quite annoying and many times insulting if you ask such a ridiculous question. In a lesbian couple, may I clarify, there is NO MAN. Just because it may be obvious who likes to physically wear the pants and skirts, does not mean there is an assumed “man” in the relationship. I have gotten this question since I came out, and I get a kick out of it every time! What do you mean who’s the man?? Who calls the shots, makes the money? Who’s more dominating and “tops” the other? Who takes out the trash & decides where to go out for dinner!? I mean seriously, a lesbian is a lesbian because she does not desire a man, so why ask two women who the "man" in their relationship is? Lack of knowledge or straight up lack of respect?

          Lesbian women do not identify themselves as men nor do their partners. If a physical woman identifies as a man than she is transgendered which is a whole different part of the LGBT rainbow. I find it interesting that when some people see me with my short haired girlfriend they assume I think of her as a man and that she wants to be one. That’s a very narrow way to look at a person. Just because she dresses in men’s jeans and Jordan’s doesn’t mean I look at her and see a male. The woman is simply wearing the clothing and shoes that she’s comfortable in, and honestly, I dig the mystery in a woman who’s clothing doesn’t hug her body like cling-wrap, you know? Now, I know for some of you, you may imply this question… with somewhat of a sexual nature. I get it… you can’t help it, but I’m telling you this just plain off-putting and highly inappropriate. Hello!?? I don’t ask you who likes to dominate who in your bedroom or see you have a kinky fetish. I get that the visual curiosity may be too much for you, but don’t. Just don’t ask something so unnecessary & understand, in the life of a lesbian there are two star women in life and in love.