Coming Out (to yourself first) is Hard to do.

             One morning, when I was a sophomore in high school, a friend and I got dropped off late to school by her mom. When we stepped out of the car I was overwhelmed to see my entire high school rattling the front gates of the parking lot. They were screaming and yelling across the street. When I whipped my head around to see what was causing the mass hysteria, I saw twenty men, women, and children picketing in front of my high school. They’d come down from Kansas somewhere to protest against the gay population in my school and my school boards tolerance and education program. Since we were the most highly populated high school in Florida at the time, they targeted our school for press, but that’s irrelevant.

            They were screaming and yelling with signs saying “Mathew Sheppard in HELL for 3 years,” “9/11 FAGS FAULT,” “AIDS is GODS cure for the FAGS,” “GODHATESFAGS.com.” Without thinking I ran across the street to the nearby cop and asked him what was going on. How could they be allowed to spew this garbage and hate at minors!? He told me it was a peaceful protest and I cursed him out asking him to take another look at what they were doing to my high school. Peaceful!? I’ll never forget that. As I went off on him and the protesters he threatened to arrest me for cursing at him and “causing a scene.” I could barely stomach the irony. After I ran back to the school, the campus was in shock. The kids who were “out” were scared and in tears. Everyone was talking, debating. It felt like a movie as I watched helplessly at the aftermath. I felt as if everything was moving in slow motion around me and I was numb because at that point, I'd just gotten into my first relationship and I’d not come out to anyone. I was the only one who knew so needless to say, I felt scared and alone. 

            As a child I had little crushes on boys and girls because I think we all look the same at that young age with our soft features and voices. As I grew, I had homosexual thoughts and tendencies though I did not recognize or understand them at that young age. I remember playing Barbies when I was a kid. I had a Ken doll but when Ken went off to work, Barbie’s friend would… come over LOL I can still remember making my Barbie’s kiss and play naked. When I was in daycare, I had a friend I always tried to be alone with because I liked her and in fifth grade, I began to ponder the facts and wonders of sex. Once, while I waited with some friends for school to start, they got to talking about two girls being together. Everyone was saying how gross that would be, but I stood there silent and anxious. The thought more than intrigued me and I hoped no one could notice. Like the time I tentatively watched a classmate get up from my lunch table and walk away. I caught myself starring and immediately put my head down praying no one had noticed me watching at her. Even though I was too young to understand what those feelings meant, I remember thinking “Oh my God, I pray no one thinks I’m a lesbian. I hope no one noticed.”

            In high school, the issue was front and center as I'd met someone who stirred up the emotional and sexual side of me for the first time. I knew that is was not a phase and I had to face my homosexual feelings and lifestyle by telling my friends and family. I waited for months before I said anything to anyone and it took me half a year to tell my mother,a fact that initially broke her heart. At 15/16 years of age though, it was difficult for me to tell her something I was afraid would change how she looked at me. There were countless nights I cried and begged and prayed to God to help me understand why I felt the way I did and if it was wrong to make it go away. Most gay people can relate to those moments. It's a little after the light bulb goes off as you realize, alone to yourself... & out loud, "OMG, I'm GAY!" It's a bitter-sweet moment since you feel like a weights been lifted off your shoulders, all is clear, the damn has broken and you're free!! On the other hand, you know the things you're up against, the hate, the discrimination, the fight for rights you suddenly join because now you don't get the privilege of having them.  

            I cannot explain to you how passionate I am about this topic. I was caught in a battle as a young girl over my blossoming sexuality. I’d grown up in the same society as you, and I knew being gay wasn’t the easiest thing to be in America. Between my faith, social and family pressures I felt I had nowhere to grow up, nowhere to feel freely at peace with myself. What’s worse is at a certain point I felt the need to choose between the life I had and the young woman inside me I was just starting to understand. Keep in mind I came out at 15/16yrs of age, an already difficult time for any young adult. It shouldn’t be like this, this extra pressure of conformity and social judgement is killing the youth in our youth. Young children and adults should feel free to be who they are in and outside their homes. No one should feel the need to repress any part of who and how God bore them to be. No one should feel scared or frightened to discover who they are and rejoice in the complexities that create their character. 

Article on Westboro Protest: http://articles.sun-sentinel.com/2002-03-23/news/0203230254_1_matthew-shepard-wyoming-college-student-westboro-baptist-church